Post your jokes hear!
07-01-2003, 07:03 PM
#12
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location:
Posts: 6,006
RE: Post your jokes hear!
Hunting and Fishing Jokes -
It was a hot summer' s day, and Luke was in the marina, having a few beers aboard his boat, patriotically named the " Fourth of July."
He was waiting for his friend, Opie, to arrive so they could go for a cruise. Opie was late, unfortunately, because he had to pick up his wife from her appointment with the obstetrician.
Her examinations were cheap because the doctor, a fellow named Juan, was Opie' s cousin. Anyway, the appointment went over time, and Opie was late getting to the marina.
Luke had been drinking all this time, and was feeling no pain. When he saw Opie finally walking down the pier, he jumped up, staggered to the side of the boat to wave to his friend, and nearly fell in.
Opie got there just in time to grab Luke. Thus, it was that O. B. Juan' s kin, Opie, saved Luke from falling to the dock side of the Fourth.
One day while driving home from his fishing trip in the pouring rain, a man got a flat tire outside of a monastery. A monk came out and invited the man inside to have dinner and spend the night. The motorist gladly accepted.
That evening the man had a wonderful dinner of fish and chips. He decided to compliment the chef.
Entering the kitchen, the man asked the cook, " Are you the fish friar?" " No," the man replied, " I' m the chip monk."
A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion.
The visitor asked, " when did you bag him?"
The host said, " that was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife. It was a most enjoyable hunt. That lion is stuffed with something special."
" What' s he stuffed with?," asked the visiting hunter.
" My wife."
Saint Peter stood at the Pearly Gates of Heaven as three men stood in line waiting to enter.
Peter asked the first man in line, " Before I let you in, I have to ask you a question. What was your I.Q.?" The man answered, " 180." Peter replied," What were you? A rocket scientist?" " Yes, sir," the man answered. " Ok, go on in," said Peter.
The next man came up to Peter. He asked the same question of him. " 160," replied the second man. " What were you, a brain surgeon?" Peter asked the man. " Yes, sir." He was allowed in.
The next man came forward and was asked the same question. " 68," he replied. " Well," said Peter, " did you get your deer?"
According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated: Wash. Biol. Surv.; until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:
" Dear Sirs:
While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you, it was horrible."
The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of bullets at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world' s great literary works in Braille.
It was a hot summer' s day, and Luke was in the marina, having a few beers aboard his boat, patriotically named the " Fourth of July."
He was waiting for his friend, Opie, to arrive so they could go for a cruise. Opie was late, unfortunately, because he had to pick up his wife from her appointment with the obstetrician.
Her examinations were cheap because the doctor, a fellow named Juan, was Opie' s cousin. Anyway, the appointment went over time, and Opie was late getting to the marina.
Luke had been drinking all this time, and was feeling no pain. When he saw Opie finally walking down the pier, he jumped up, staggered to the side of the boat to wave to his friend, and nearly fell in.
Opie got there just in time to grab Luke. Thus, it was that O. B. Juan' s kin, Opie, saved Luke from falling to the dock side of the Fourth.
One day while driving home from his fishing trip in the pouring rain, a man got a flat tire outside of a monastery. A monk came out and invited the man inside to have dinner and spend the night. The motorist gladly accepted.
That evening the man had a wonderful dinner of fish and chips. He decided to compliment the chef.
Entering the kitchen, the man asked the cook, " Are you the fish friar?" " No," the man replied, " I' m the chip monk."
A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. In the den was a stuffed lion.
The visitor asked, " when did you bag him?"
The host said, " that was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife. It was a most enjoyable hunt. That lion is stuffed with something special."
" What' s he stuffed with?," asked the visiting hunter.
" My wife."
Saint Peter stood at the Pearly Gates of Heaven as three men stood in line waiting to enter.
Peter asked the first man in line, " Before I let you in, I have to ask you a question. What was your I.Q.?" The man answered, " 180." Peter replied," What were you? A rocket scientist?" " Yes, sir," the man answered. " Ok, go on in," said Peter.
The next man came up to Peter. He asked the same question of him. " 160," replied the second man. " What were you, a brain surgeon?" Peter asked the man. " Yes, sir." He was allowed in.
The next man came forward and was asked the same question. " 68," he replied. " Well," said Peter, " did you get your deer?"
According to the Knight-Ridder News Service, the inscription on the metal bands used by the U.S. Department of the Interior to tag migratory birds has been changed. The bands used to bear the address of the Washington Biological Survey, abbreviated: Wash. Biol. Surv.; until the agency received the following letter from an Arkansas camper:
" Dear Sirs:
While camping last week I shot one of your birds. I think it was a crow. I followed the cooking instructions on the leg tag and I want to tell you, it was horrible."
The bands are now marked Fish and Wildlife Service.
If an infinite number of rednecks riding in an infinite number of pickup trucks fire an infinite number of bullets at an infinite number of highway signs, they will eventually produce all the world' s great literary works in Braille.
07-01-2003, 07:11 PM
#13
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location:
Posts: 6,006
RE: Post your jokes hear!
Beer Jokes -
Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested
that men should take a look at their beer consumption,
considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed
the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that
drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding,
100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed
that 100% of the men gained
weight, talked excessively without making sense,
became overly emotional, couldn' t drive, failed to think
rationally, argued over nothing, and
refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is
planned. (Sorry Ladies)
A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing
time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb,
and fumble for his keys for five minutes.
When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes
to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else
leaves the bar and drives off.
When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him,
pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test
shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0.
The cop says, ' How is this possible?' The guy says,' Tonight
I' m the designated decoy.'
The 5 Stages of Drunkeness-
Stage 1 - SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert
on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know
everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who
will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of
course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This
makes for an interesting argument when both parties are
SMART.
Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING This is when you realize that you are
the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people
fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they
fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that
you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any
subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH This is when you suddenly become the richest
person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar
because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind
the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of
course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your
bets. It doesn' t matter how much you bet ' cos you are RICH.
You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because
now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.
Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with
anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been
betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At
this point you can also go up to the partners of the people
who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You
have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you
are RICH and hell, you' re BETTER LOOKING than they are
anyway!
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness.
At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE
YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy
because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you.
You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you.
You can walk through the street singing at the top of your
lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you' re
still SMART you know all the words.[:-]
Yesterday, scientists for Health Canada suggested
that men should take a look at their beer consumption,
considering the results of a recent analysis that revealed
the presence of female hormones in beer. The theory is that
drinking beer makes men turn into women. To test the finding,
100 men were fed 6 pints of beer each. It was then observed
that 100% of the men gained
weight, talked excessively without making sense,
became overly emotional, couldn' t drive, failed to think
rationally, argued over nothing, and
refused to apologize when wrong. No further testing is
planned. (Sorry Ladies)
A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing
time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb,
and fumble for his keys for five minutes.
When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes
to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else
leaves the bar and drives off.
When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him,
pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test
shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0.
The cop says, ' How is this possible?' The guy says,' Tonight
I' m the designated decoy.'
The 5 Stages of Drunkeness-
Stage 1 - SMART This is when you suddenly become an expert
on every subject in the known Universe. You know you know
everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who
will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of
course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This
makes for an interesting argument when both parties are
SMART.
Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING This is when you realize that you are
the BEST LOOKING person in the entire bar and that people
fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing they
fancy you and really want to talk to you. Bear in mind that
you are still SMART, so you can talk to this person about any
subject under the sun.
Stage 3 - RICH This is when you suddenly become the richest
person in the world. You can buy drinks for the entire bar
because you have an armored truck full of money parked behind
the bar. You can also make bets at this stage, because of
course, you are still SMART, so naturally you win all your
bets. It doesn' t matter how much you bet ' cos you are RICH.
You will also buy drinks for everyone that you fancy, because
now you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world.
Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF You are now ready to pick fights with
anyone and everyone especially those with whom you have been
betting or arguing. This is because nothing can hurt you. At
this point you can also go up to the partners of the people
who you fancy and challenge to a battle of wits or money. You
have no fear of losing this battle because you are SMART, you
are RICH and hell, you' re BETTER LOOKING than they are
anyway!
Stage 5 - INVISIBLE This is the Final Stage of Drunkenness.
At this point you can do anything because NO ONE CAN SEE
YOU. You dance on a table to impress the people who you fancy
because the rest of the people in the room cannot see you.
You are also invisible to the person who wants to fight you.
You can walk through the street singing at the top of your
lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you' re
still SMART you know all the words.[:-]
06-13-2004, 10:33 AM
#17
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: Mormonville, Utah!
Posts: 2,753
RE: Post your jokes hear!
Opie got there just in time to grab Luke. Thus, it was that O. B. Juan' s kin, Opie, saved Luke from falling to the dock side of the Fourth.
Froman, that was just too funny mostly because I have had a similiar experience.....of which I will not expound upon....and that might be final unless there is money in it!
